Saturday October 3rd 1998

The holiday started at 4:30am with a hangover. Mr Jason Howarth had been kind enough to take me out to his company bar the night before my flight in an attempt to make me miss my flight. I can't really complain about it as I did exactly the same thing to him a few weeks earlier with his Eurostar passage to Paris.

Anyway, it's 4:30am, I have a hangover and I'm frantically running around the house trying to pack. My girlfriend isn't speaking to me and my head hurts. The taxi arrives and we set off to Heathrow. The journey was a trifle strained and any attempt I make at a conversation with Jen results in a one word reply if any at all. By the time it comes to check-in Jen and I are once more talking again, thankfully.

The flight to Torronto was appalling. 'Air Canada' gets my vote for the most antiquated trans-Atlantic carrier. There was no choice of meal, and since I don't eat red meat the meal was *always* going to be beef wasn't it! The inflight movies were shown on one of those huge TV's in the middle of the plane twenty rows up, so you have no choice but to endure some crappy middle of the road pile of shite movie or look out of the window for the duration of the journey. Finally, it is my belief that the drinks just didn't come quickly enough!
Compared to Virgin airlines, Air Canada don't even come close to meeeting the required levels of service and comfort. It's Dicky-boy Branson from now on for me.

During the enforced time of purgatory we were forced to read the in-flight magazine. Jen noticed a piece about Torronto saying that the Niagara Falls are only an hour or two away. So after dumping our stuff at the hotel ( and after I ate for the first time in 10 hours ) we caught a bus over to the Falls and had a mooch around.
The Falls are ( if memory serves me right ) about 53m high and are pretty bloody spectacular. I decided that we should go for a spin on the 'Maid of the Mist' and insisted that we had to go over to America, which is just across the bridge, to do so. Jen insisted that we could get on the boat whilst still in Canada but due to me leaving a part of my brain somewhere in a field in Hampshire we found ourselves on the bridge which is neither in Canada nor America. Halfway across the bridge I found myself looking down on a boat which was moored on the Canda side. After several "I told you so you complete idiot" statements we were back in Canada and jumping on the boat.

The boat ride was excellent fun. The noise and the sight of the Niagara falls were spectacular. Photo opportunities were plentiful and the two of us got absolutely soaked.
After getting drenched the two of us had a look at the tacky Blackpool type shops in Niagara and then slept all the way back to the hotel and crashed out after being awake for 24 hours.

After 8 hours sleep the two of us awoke and decided we should go swimming. I rooted through my bag for my swimming shorts and was a tad confused when I pulled out a blue pillowcase! You never know when you might need a pillow case. Jen, being a little quicker on the uptake than I immediately left for the bathroom. About two minutes later the Delta Chelsea Inn, Torronto reverberated with " What the [ three minutes of continuous swearing without repeating a single profanity ] is going on here? ". What Jen had noticed, and I had not is that the pillowcase was exactly the same colour as my swim-shorts. *That* is what you get for packing bleary eyed at 4.30am.

Needless to say we didn't go swimming but had a hearty breakfast instead and headed off to the airport in a Limo for our flight to Phoenix.

American Airlines rate slightly higher than Air Canada in so much as they have those little LCD screens that pop down 2 or 3 seats in front of you but lose out due to the hostesses being as thick as the proverbial.
The meal was predictably Beef Bourginon [ or however you spell it ] and when I informed the air chick that I didn't eat beef and did they have any alternatives:

"Well we have hamburgers" said the bimbo.
"and hamburgers would be made from.....?" exclaimed the weary traveller.
"ah! ummmm, I'll try to find you a vegetarian dish"

Jason "five days left as a single man" Coope was waiting for us at the airport as promised. Unfortunatley the veeeeehickle he had come in was at a different terminal due to a bit of a mix up. The first experience of the extreme heat of the Arizona desert was quite a shock after the temperate climate of Canada.

We eventually got out of the car park after 4 laps of the current level due to the exit signs directing us around in circles. Drove over to Jasons gaff where the man had the foresight to have a fridge stocked with cold beer. Result!

The afternoon was spent eating Burritos, drinking beer and building garden furniture. The first day was pretty hectic as Jason and Nicole had a load of friends and family flying in, but in the evening about 9 or 10 of us went for a Mexican which was pretty funky. Margharitas aplenty.

The next day was spent shopping for stuff. In the evening we went bowling and had a riot. I got I.D.'d and because I didn't have anything with me the woman refused to serve me beer. I'm 27 years old and look like I'm going on for 40. Americans are so anal!
Anyway, Jason's sister Debs had a word and explained that I was the same age as Jason, 32! and that kinda cleared the way for a night of beer and bowling.

On Tuesday myself, Jen and Jason headed to Skydive Arizona in a place called Eloy which is about 50 miles from Phoenix. Last year I went skydiving in California and became qualified to jump solo but because I hadn't jumped in 4 months I had to do my first jump with an instructor who kept an eye on me to make sure everything was cool. I made it down alive but was rather embarassed when the parachute landed on top of me and I looked a bit of an idiot. The jumpmaster cleared me back on to solo status and my next jump was done in shorts and a t-shirt which was excellent fun. The landing of the second jump was kind of embarassing as well. There was absolutely no wind to land into so when I hit the deck I had a forward velocity of abou 15mph. I tried to land running but my little legs just weren't fast enough so I fell over and generated a huge dust cloud around me, much to the amusement of Jason and Jen who were busily taking photos.

Whilst we were there Jason and Jen each did a tandem jump which they thoroughly enjoyed and hopefully I can coerce Jason into doing the full AFF course at some point. Of course, if Jason does the AFF course then he wont have someone strapped to his back reminding him to breathe! hehehehehe, nice one Jason.
If I can convince Jason to do the AFF then I reckon myself, Jason, Aggy and Stuey can mooch over to AZ and bail out of a plane together at 13,000ft and have a hoot on the way down.

Wednesday was spent by the pool at Jasons old apartment complex. Fortunately Jason and Nicole still have a key to access the pool and volleyball courts so 10 of us chilled out, swam and attempted to play volleyball. Volleyball was pretty good fun. Myself, Jason and 6 luvverly chicks trying to whack a ball around.
Wednesday night was the stag and hen party night. The stretch Limo [ whaaahaaay ] arrived at about 9pm and we all embarked on a drinking spree. At about midnight the guys took the Limo and errrr went somewhere that men on stag nights go. It wasn't one of those tacky lap dancing places....ohh no no no....we're all professional upstanding members of the community, as if we'd frequent a place of semi-naked girls parading around shamelessly. Pffffk,

Thursday, and Jason's penultimate day of freedom was spent on a lake where 5 of us, myself, Jen, Tray, Debs and Kim spent the day attemptimg to waterski and wakeboard. It was a hard day fraught with the difficulties of being trapped on a speedboat with 4 scantily clad beautiful girls. It's a hard life.
The drive back from the lake took us along a dirt track through some of the most spectacular scenery I've ever seen. We were driving through the canyons as the sun was setting looking at the fluffy white clouds. At one point we saw a Tarantula [ or one of its similar looking cousins ] crossing the road so we all jumped out for a closer inspection. That was one ugly dude I tell ya.

After the days excursion on the lake we ordered takeaway and cabbaged in the house.

Friday, wedding day, "oh bloody hell I really must start writing the best man speech" day. "Shitty shit shitty shit what the cack am I gonna stand up and talk about" day. Spend-the-day-on-the-toilet day.

The day was hectic. The night before Jason and I had sat down and made a list of things to do. We ended up with a list of 17 things!
One of the major priorities was to get over to Cost-co to replenish the dwindling beer reserve in preparation for the party back at Jasons house after the wedding, we had to collect the tuxedos, pick up the flowers, get Jason to a bar for his last drink as a free man, write the best mans speech, that sort of stuff.
The day pretty much went without a hitch, everyone made it to the wedding on time. Something resembling a speech had been cobbled together and Jason was still breathing without having to be reminded.

The second stretch Limo of the trip picked us up and the hip flasks were passed around to prevent the pre-wedding jitters becoming too much.
The wedding itself took place at about 5.30pm in the Botanical Gardens in Phoenix just as the sun was setting. The backdrop was a mountain filled with those cacti that you see in the cartoons, with the sun slowly setting behind them. Everything went perfectly until I handed over the rings and believing my job was complete went and sat down. Now the "Best Best Man" by Jaqueline Eames says that's what I'm supopsed to do. But the chief bridesmaid, Cheri, wasn't aware of this and I think it kinda freaked her out a little. Before I sat down Cheri was standing holding the flowers looking beautiful and serene. After I sat down, although she was still looking beautiful, serenity wasn't a word that springs to mind. Fidgety, nervous and "am I supposed to sit down or do I kinda hang around here for a while" are all things that spring to mind. Maybe I should have stayed there!

Photos came next, intermingled with a few brew-breaks whilst the tables were being laid out for the reception. More drinks came, although not too many for me as I had to give a bit of a speech, and food was sevred. After the food came the moment I'd been dreading for 3 months. The bezzie man speech. Most of what I harped on about is a complete blur but since neither Nicole, Jason or Nicoles rather large brother beat me to a pulp I can only assume I didn't swear or say anything too embarassing about Jason. Although I suspect nobody understood a word I was saying since I have a Northern accent and they're all American everybody seemed to clap in the right places, which was nice of them.

After the speech I relaxed a little and had a few drinks to straighten myself out before doing the arduous best mans duties, you know, dancing with all the women, making sure everybody was getting pissed up, wandering around making sure everyone congratulated me on a fine speech.

The reception came to an end at about 10pm and people made their way back to their hotels or over to the house where the party was in full swing. I decided that a punch was in order so I made one up using the recipe that Jason and myself perfected in Spain a few years ago. It goes something like:

1 large part vodka.
1 large part red wine.
1 large part white wine.
Whatever other spirits you can lay your hands on.
A dribble of orange juice.
Whatever fruit is lying around in the fridge.

So armed with my punch dispenser I proceeded to try and comatose the entire population of the party and did pretty well even if I say so myself.

Saturday. Myself, Bill, Debs, Kim, Jen, Alison and Sean went over to Eloy and everyone jumped out of a plane, except Kim who lay by the pool looking pretty. That night Jen and I left the gang and headed over to Phoenix where we boarded our flight that took us to Dallas, then a change of flight to get to Miami, then a change of flight to get to Nassau on New Providence Island, Bahamas.

To be continued.......

Highlights:
Jumping out of a plane about 3 miles up.
Frequenting a place of semi-naked girls parading around shamelessly
Lounging on a speedboat with four chicks.

Lowlights:
Air Canada
American Airlines