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Operation Ressurection : 11th July 2002

After a bit of messing around I've managed to get the really old static site back up and running. This site chronicles my life between 1998 - 2000. Plenty of stuff about jumping out of planes and a pretty detailed set of journals about my time in Germany.

Also I've managed to transform some of the lost PHP based website into HTML pages that can be viewed here. This documents stuff that was going on in my life between June 2001 and August 2001. Sadly my life between August 2001 and May 2002 has gone forever due to my incompetence at copying database from machine to machine..

Onion Watch : 11th July 2002

The onion section seemed to be gradually overtaking this main page and so has been given it's very own page where it can grow and blossom just like my real onions will do...one day... hopefully.

Kneel before me : 16th May 2002

The message to all you non believers who mocked and guffawed when I said I would change the world is fnnnnaaaaaa.

My huge, unimaginably big world changing ummm thing became apparent on Sunday 12th May 2002, location city centre Manchester.

klogger lives! : 1st May 2002

I finally uploaded the klogger website. This is what I've been doing for the past week or two. Sadly I haven't gotten around to uploading the source code yet as I have several temporary variables with names like ummmmm ladies body parts and acts of sexual intercourse. So once the source has been tidied a little the code will be uploaded to the site.

steeley.co.uk in 'rm -rf' shocker! : ummmm, ages ago

Due to idiocy bordering on incompetence the steeley.co.uk web-site is no more. Whilst trying to upgrade to another version of the hosting script I inadvertently ermmm accidentally errr kinda deleted the database that held all my rantings, all your comments and pretty much all of the juicy stuff that was on there. Furthermore, due to a sadly lacking backup policy [ i.e. I didn't have one! ] in the steeley.co.uk organisation it's gone for good.

Welcome to not very much really

It just had to be rescued : 14th January 2003

A friend of mine, we shall call him Mark W, decided to post his review of Lord Of The Rings, The Two Towers onto some movie review web site. Just in case the review gets deleted at some point in the future the text has been saved below, for posterity.

Date: 8 January 2003
Summary: Rubbish... and then some
Mind-numbingly tedious bilge wherein some funny-looking kids with hairy feet 
and oo-ar Devon accents wander round New Zealand getting into impossibly 
perilous situations, the odds stacked against them like a great big stacked 
thing (with horns!), and then escape while their adversaries inexplicably 
kill each other instead. It makes the A Team look well written.

There's a big battle scene at the end which is really exciting provided 
you haven't already seen Spartacus, Braveheart, Gladiator, Star Wars, 
the first awful Rings film and indeed any other big-budget film made in 
the last 40 years. Otherwise it's just dull.

If you're really at a loose end and tempted to see this film, give serious 
consideration to tuning in to BBC Parliament instead and watching a select 
committee live from the Welsh Assembly. 

Happy New Year my ringpiece : 13th January 2003

Well I was going to write something here chronicling the fucking awful day I had when my car decided it just didn't love me anymore...but I think I'll just copy in an e-mail that I sent to Dave and Jean.....the story relates to the happenings of 8th Jan 2003

From darren.steele@anonymised.com Tue Jan 14 11:44:17 2003
Subject: RE: RAC etc
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2003 11:44:17 -0000
From: "Darren Steele" darren.steele@anonymised.com
To: "Jean" jean@anonymised.co.uk,
    "Dave" david@anonymised.com

> So why do you want 500 of repair cover Darren?

Ah, well remembered.

Last Wednesday after I had dropped Emma off at school my car started
making the most horrendous noises whilst driving in second and third
gear.  I decided I couldn't risk travelling to work with the car in this
state and so drove home to phone some garages.  My first thought was to
contact VW and let them have a look; they are the experts after all.

I was told that they had no "openings" that day but if I drop it in with
them then they'd try to squeeze it in.  So I dropped my car off and then
walked back home.  I would have walked straight to Altrincham bus
station but I realised I didn't have a book with me and didn't want to
sit through a tortuous bus journey without something to read, also I was
in desperate need of a bowel evacuation.

So retrieve my book I did, dropping the kids off at the pool in the
process.  There's a bus stop very close to my apartment and I knew that
the buses went at 'twenty to' and 'ten past' the hour.  So at 9.30am I
was standing beside the bus stop...feeling a little chilly.  9.40 came
and went. 9.50 came and went. 10.00am came and went.  It began to snow.
The bus arrived at 10.10 and a snow speckled steeley shivered aboard and
began the journey to Warrington bus station, before completnig my
journey with a second bus out to Birchwood.  Grand total for the journey
was =A33.65 - scandalous!  No wonder the bus was empty.

I arrived at my desk at 11.30am and checked the bus timetables.  The
buses only run at 40mins past the hour up to 8.40am. Damn.

A few hours later I called VW who told my that a bolt had sheared off
the bell housing and had damaged the gearbox and that a new one was
required.  They also pointed out that my clutch was due for renewal in
another few thousand miles so they may as well do that whilst the
gearbox was off.  Grand total - one thousand five hundred of your earth
pounds.  I told them they could whistle and that I wanted my car back.
Then began the fun and games.

Another garage told me they could do the work for 1000 pounds.  Another
garage wanted to have a look at it before they could give me an
estimate.  Finally, a friend of Emma's mum who owns a garage said it
should probably be about five hundred notes to do the gearbox.  I
decided the clutch could wait.

After much discussion with mechanically minded chaps around the office
it was decided that the best bet would be to purchase some gearbox oil
to lubricate the gears before driving the beasty anywhere.  VW had
kindly dranied all the oil out of the gearbox when they performed their
inspection.  Anyway, I consulted the VW owners manual to see where to
pour this oil into the mythical gearbox.  No mention could I find.  I
popped my head under the bonnet and had a cursory glance around but in
my mechanically moronic mind I couldn't see anything with big blinking
neon lights saying insert gearbox fluid here.  So I didn't.

It was with a certain amount of trepidation that Emma and I climbed into
the car to begin the 22 mile journey down the motorway to Park Motors.
The gearbox whined a little as we passed over the roadwork bejewelled
Thelwall Viaduct on the M6 but my little baby eventually made it to the

On the following Monday I telephoned the garage and spoke to the owner.
It was his opinion that there really was bugger all wrong with the
gearbox and that if it were his car then he'd just lob some more oil in
and see what happens.  In the defence of VW mechanics he suggested that
when the oil was drained then whatever was floating around in the
gearbox and causing the problems probably got drained away at the same
time.  So I told him to put some new oil in it and I'm off to pick it up
this afternoon.

This morning I joined the AA and made a 48 pound payment so that should
anything go wrong with my car in the future then the AA will kindly pay
the first 500 quid of any resultant garage bills, which is nice of them.
However their generosity only begins 14 days after membership begins.
So if my new found mechanic friend proves to be mistaken and the gearbox
is indeed cabbaged then I just hope it stays un-cabbaged for the next 14

Darren "Mecha-phobe" Steele.

Goodbye cruel world : 26th November 2002

It's been two months since I've bothered writing anything here and the only reason I'm bothering today is due to me kinda giving away the fact that the place still exists to one of my colleagues.

The subject of this message relates to my impending visit to the hospital so that some blood soaked butcher with a maniacal grin can take a scalpel to my mouth and do some work on one of my teeth. I don't mind telling you dear reader....I'm fucking petrified. Ooooh, I do like being able to swear on this site :)

As for the rest of my life, still drinking too much, still trying to give up smoking [ three days off the fags at the moment ], still trying to get some money together and still spending half of my life over in Cergy.

OK, so I couldn't completely destroy all my hard work : 25th September 2002

Well since you're reading this you've either gotten lucky and your pointer happens to have wandered over the hidden link, or you've "used the source Luke" or perhaps I just told you about the hidden link. Whichever it is, welcome back.

There's really nothing new been added into this site as I've just spent the past two weeks working in California, after which I was in the office for one day before heading off for a fortnight in a little town just outside Paris, Cergy to be precise.

In case you're interested - some of my tomatos went red the other day and Emma and I scoffed them along with the only onion that I have thus far harvested. They were lovely indeed. The reason the rest of my food hasn't been harvested is due to me not being in the fucking country for more than five minutes before I get shipped off somewhere else. Ooooh, I can swear now that this site isn't in plain view. Fuck, fuck, cunty, twat, balls. Feels goooooooooooooooooood! ;)

Almost forgot to mention - first person to e-mail me with the magic password of "what hoh biffer, I believe my ring piece is aflame due to some hard boy on boy action" wins a pint....errrr, or half a bitter shandy if it's Huxxy ;)

Goodbye Happiness : 8th August 2002

In the traditional manner of announcement I'm bidding farewell to the days of getting up late, leisurely breakfasts and afternoon installments of Spin City. I must admit I'm not too concerned about the last part as they've started to repeat. Yes, that's right my dear readers I am once more gainfully employed. My soul has been sold to the hi-tech company XXXXXX. Sadly I have to censor the name for fear of a stock price crash when word gets out that I'll be writing the software for them :)

As of Monday 12th August my sorry arse will be suited and booted and making the short journey to my place of full time employment. No more contracting for me, it's back to the purgatory of permanence as it's often known in contracting circles. I am admittedly very happy to be a permie once again as I was getting a trifle pissed off with hopping from job to job and being given menial tasks to do. Also with the contract market the way it is in the UK I'm doubly happy.

Another one bites the dust : 6th August 2002

It was touch and go whether I attended Dash and Sheanna's wedding but in the end I made it thanks to Nigel and Joany's kind offer of a bit of floorspace for me to crash on afterwards.

The day was fan-flippin-tastic and I met up with loads of people I haven't seen for far too long and met plenty of new people that I liked immensely. The fact that the entire night after the main course was served is a mystery to me just made reviewing the pictures even more fun. Nigey is adamant that the two of us popped into the gents with the disposal camera for the obligatory nob shot but I personally have no recollections of this, furthermore I firmly believe that as I am now a mature and responsible adult I wouldn't have taken part in such juvenile behaviour. Anyway, I expect that Dash will get the pics up on his homepage when he gets back from swanning around the Carribean so then we'll all know.

The day after the wedding Dave, Luke and Caroline popped around to Nigey's on the way home and we all ate a smashing Sunday lunch lovingly crafted by Nigey-boy-wondercook. Myself, Nigey and Tony went down to the old Bradley Stoke Battle Cruiser and sank a few pints of the good Stellington.

I eventually made it home at about 3pm on the Monday. Smashing :)

Other than all that my life has been the usual roller coaster ride of loose women, fast cars and multi million pound high finance deals. Yeah roight, here's some picks of my organic weggie patch.

Not a sausage : 19th July 2002

Nothing much worth reporting this week I'm afraid. Emma and I did a huuuuge walk on Saturday from our house to Tatton Park where we stopped for a picnic for a while. We then walked on to Knutsford and then caught the train back up to Hale. We reckon it was about 6 miles, which is pretty damned impressive.

My attempts to lose weight have been pretty good. I've managed to massively cut down on my beer intake and I hardly ever eat bread any more. Having said that though I've still got a beer gut, one can't expect miracles over night can one.

As usual there are some new piccies of my vegetable patch in the onion section.

Fame : 10th July 2002

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been almost three weeks since an update of any kind has been posted to this site....my where does the time go?

So as not to bore you with all the details of my mundane life, here are a few highlights.....

27th June 2002 - a mad dash to Olde London village was required to deliver a package to a central London location. Actually, when I say a mad dash I should probably clarify this a little. The mad dash took me as far as the North Circular, following which it became a frantic crawl through the gridlocked streets of our fine filthy, smelly, overpopulated, vermin infested, noisy, where-the-by-buggery-have-all-the-trees-and-grass-gone, pretentious, poncy capital city. Man I love London...yeah roight! Seven hours to go from Manchester to Wood Lane which according to my trip computer generated an average speed of 31mph. Wonderful. After such a tiresome journey it seemed only reasonable to pop out for a few beers with Herr Howarth in Acton. The Mill Hill is a fine boozer indeed.

1st/2nd July 2002 - as Jazmund had a couple of days off and as my wohman was residing in Scarborough for a couple of days I decide to hop into the batmobile and pop down to the Metropolis. It was quite a cool trip as one of the days was spent visiting a bunch of places I used to live, and Jaz and I used to drink in. Jolly good fun was had by all.

5th July 2002 - had an interview at BNFL Instrumentation...didn't get it.

9th July 2002 - This day is the reason for my springing gazelle like back into action and updating this piece of crap website. My friend Sharon works on some TV production thingy and a while ago she asked me if I fancied being an extra on the shoot. Needless to say I was a little coy at first, you know me - never one to want to hog the limelight and all that. After several nano-seconds of contemplation I acquiesced and began practiscing my acting abilities.

The shoot was taking place at Bury General Hospital and I had to be there at a ridiculously early time of 7.15 AAAAAMMMM. This necessitated a "get your fat hairy arse out of bed" alarm setting of something ridiculous like 5.45. It was light at that time kids, just in case anyone was wondering.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I had a smashing day of hanging around drinking tea, chatting with plenty of interesting people and standing about 30cms from Lisa Faulkner and Mel B. Needless to say as soon as I stepped foot on set the two of them started fighting over which one of them was to be the future Mrs Steele and then.....hmmmm. If any of you ever get to see "Burn It" which is appearing on BBC Choice in Oct/Nov this year - and then possibly on BBC2 sometime after that then I'm in two scenes.

Scene 1: Lisa and Mel [ first name terms now you know ] are walking toward the camera and a male nurse is pushing a wheelchair bound patient away from the camera. In the background I walk away from the camera and hold open a door for a couple of other nurses.

Scene 2: Lisa Faulkner is pushing a wheelchair bound patient who is talking about Tenerife toward the camera. A little way through the old mans dialogue I, along with amother chap, will walk from the a corridor on the left side of the background, to a corridor on the right side of the background.

In both instances blink and you'll miss me. Still, next step will be me playing ummm Luke Skywalker or something I reckon. Still, I had a fantastic full english breakfast, pork, chips and peas for lunch and finally some sandwiches and cakes at 6pm. The day itself was really good fun and I met loads of fun and interesting people. I reckon I might sign on with some agency and then get myself on Coronation Street or something. This could be a whole new career beckoning me...as sadly it seems that the software engineering industry is disappearing up it's own anus.

Other than that I've also considered a career as a face-painter. Needless to say the tiger masterpiece on my face was done by Emma, whereas the err mouse or rabbit or whatever it was supposed to be was daubed on Emma's face by myself. Perhaps on closer inspection I should leave the face painting alone.

Like a phoenix : 21st June 2002

My initial statement of steeley.co.uk in 'rm -rf' shocker was on the whole true. However, it severely pissed me off that none of the backups I'd performed had any of my website stuff on so I decided to reanimate the SCSI hard drive that has the data on. Most of the dynamic PHP based site was still present so I'll work on turning that into a static site soon, but for the time being my old old site can be found here.

This site was pretty much put together whilst I was living in Germany and chronicles that year or so of my life. Ahhhhh, a trip down memory lane indeed.

Health week : 20th June 2002

Following the slew of comments I've been receiving from around the world regarding my lardiness I've decided to do something about it. I've become the man I've always hated...a jogger that has cut down on beer and given up on fags. I believe Adam, of Adam and the Ants fame put it quite aptly.."Don't drink, don't smoke, don't eat fatty foods, don't nasally ingest Class A pharmaceuticals - what do you do?". So after more or less a week of this shit what have I accomplished? I've gained a pound. Jesus!

Other than that there has been pretty much sweet f.a. happenning in my life. Ummm, watched Spiderman which was good, errrrr that'll be it. Just for the record, my current giving up on smoking began on Saturday 15th June 2001 at about 8.30pm. Haven't had a single one yet. Come on you steeley...

If you follow the link at the end of this paragraph then it'll take you to an amusing page that I ripped off from beta. A word of warning, don't click it if you're easily offended. Don't click it if there are people around you as noise will come blasting from your machine. Don't click it if your boss is unable to see the funny side of things. Ummm, listen kids - just don't click it! However, having said all that - I bet everyone wants to click it.

It's a hangover Jim, but not as we know it : 13th June 2002

On Thursday Emma and I along with Dawn and Ed wandered down to the Stamford Arms to do the quiz. We performed pitifully badly on the quiz but scored highly on the number of pints of Kronenburg consumed. Upon returning home and climbing into bed the room was doing an excellent impression of a roundabout and I had to get up. I lay in the living room for a while trying to focus on the TV before relocating to the bathroom where I lay naked on the floor for a while. I really haven't felt that bad in a loooooong time.

Friday was of course the day that England beat the Argies 1:0. Emma and I headed for the Stamford to watch the match. We walked in, noticed that the bar was 5 deep with people and walked out again.

Saturday was the day of my Uncle Christophers wedding to Alison and once again much alcohol was consumed.

On Sunday I woke up with a horrible horrible hangover and Emma and I had to attend a christening in Orrell. I felt bloody awful, but a couple of pints at the reception soon sorted me out.

On Monday I hooned it down the M6 to Laaaandan where I met up with Jaz for a few beers. The highpoint of this meeting has got to be me beating Jaz 7:6 at pool in the Mill Hill pub, Acton. It's the first time in my entire life that I've whupped Jaz in a pool tournament. A happy day indeed.

The reason I was in London was due to an interview I had in Fleet on the Tuesday. As per usual I made a complete arse of it and didn't get the job. Ho hum.

Wednesday's consumption was a couple of bottles of wine kindly provided by Mr EJ Gallo courtesy of Jaz.

To summarise, it's been a belly busting beer drinking extravaganza and my beer belly really is coming on well.....must drink less...must drink less.

A new feature I'd like to introduce to this beloved site is a "Sender of the most insulting and cheeky e-mail of the week to which the only reply will be a slow and agonisingly painful death for the sender". The prime candidate this week is my little cousin Louise. She will surely die upon our next encounter.

From: Louise Wignall <namechanged@to.protect.the.soon.to.die.com>
To: green-fingers@steeley.co.uk
Subject: hello

Hello Darren and Emma,

This was the only email address i could find on your
site and what a weird yet wonderful site it is, WELL DONE!

It was good to see you both at the wedding and Helen and Rachael both say Hi.

Obviously you have put on a bit of weight and there is no point me telling 
you not to worry about it because there is cause for concern. You are getting 
older and puppy fat at your age tends to be permanent, also, Emma may decide 
to find an alternative, slimmer, younger model and what would you do then?

Dont be offended, im sure your not, because nobody is perfect, well maybe 
no one apart from Jack O'Neill!  If you have an alternative email address 
which you would prefer i sent to please email me with it.

Rachaels email is deleted@yahoo.co.uk



Hippy Hippy Shakes : 6th June 2002

All day drinking on Friday due to Debbie and Lees wedding. All day drinking on Saturday due to pub lunch followed by Junes 40th birthday BBQ. Hippy hippy shakes on Sunday. I didn't even make it to the boozer to watch Englands pitiful performance against Sweden.

Blimey : 30th May 2002

The rant below about how our American [ slightly backward ] cousins were messing up the world seems to be unfounded. The Americans seem to have rejected CARP. My my, will wonders never cease.

Onto more intersting stuff. Many of the people visiting this site will undoubtedly be aware of the legendary film of ill-repute titled "Debbie does Dallas". Well we here at steeley.co.uk are proud to bring highlights of the follow up which is "Debbie does Ashton-in-Makerfield".

As for my life there's not been too much happening really except for the arrival of my first baby boy. He came in weighing about 1 pound and the Sky Digital installation man took about 40 mins to deliver him. Father and son are both doing well. Stargate and myself are reunited once more. Heaven. One of the conditions of having it installed is that we had to subscribe to the full Sky-Digital package so that'll be movies, sports, and all that nonsense. If anyone out there wants to come around to mine to watch the all the sports stuff then I'll be happy to explain that I'd rather place my "owd fella" into the hands of a lunatic brandishing scissors than have my TV sullied with the likes of SkySports1. As soon as the first month is over the sports will be the first up against the wall.....along with the movies - cos they're crap.

Rantings : 16th May 2002

Now most of you people reading this will know me and my opinions regarding our linguistically challenged colonial cousins across the pond so I won't bore you with the old Why I hate Americans stuff. However today I feel like having a rant about internet freedom and indeed freedom of speech in general. Below is an excerpt from www.saveinternetradio.org which is trying to fight against the big music stations attempts to close them down. They will of course fail miserably as all governments in the world seem to be putting the wishes of the minority that have very deep pockets before the wishes of the people they are supposed to represent.

It's a story that is being repeated far too often in the world today. Websites are being closed down left right and centre due to litigation by corporations who don't like what is being written about them. The European Union is constantly passing idiotic laws [ the EUCD for one ] that are undermining the rights of the people to do exactly what they want with things they own. Anyway, enough of my rantings, I'll just summarise by saying the EU, the British government and the idiotic government of America are passing bills and legislation that have very very far reaching effects and they really haven't thought things through. Tits.

America's fledgling Internet radio industry could be effectively killed on May 21st if the Librarian of Congress (1) accepts the recommendations of its recent Copyright Arbitration Royalty Panel ("CARP") concerning Internet radio royalty rates and (2) sets impossibly-complex recordkeeping requirements.

Congress passed a law in October, 1998, called the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA) which established that webcasters must pay royalties to record labels for the music they play. However, the CARP's recommended royalty rates are currently more than 200% of most Webcasters' gross revenues!

If Copyright Office accepts the CARP's recommendation, most observers believe that the decision will effectively kill Internet radio, as the retroactively-owed fees would bankrupt all but the very largest Internet-only webcasters (and would probably trigger the shutdown of most broadcast stations' Web simulcasts, including almost all the educational and community stations ).

Mailbag : 3rd May 2002

I see my mission to turn us into a nation of vegetable growers is slowly becoming a success. Following this mail from Huxxy which was copied far and wide around the globe my web site had literally ummm 6 hits from virtually all over SE England. Come on you Steeley.

From: Steve Huxford <steve.huxford@sodoff.com>
To: get_a_job_you_lazy_tosser@steeley.co.uk
Subject: http://www.steeley.co.uk

        So this is what happens when you drink too much stella? Pictures
of onions growing. 
        Two words.....'kin.....'ell!!!


If any of you non-green fingered people need advice on growing things then I'd be happy to help you out with all your gardening problems. Simply pop an e-mail to green-fingers@steeley.co.uk and it'll be sure to be published in my future section which will be titled something like "Gardening problems by Steele" and remember, in the immortal words of Mr Garrison - "there are no stupid questions, only stupid people".

Lord why do you hate me so : 1st May 2002

I don't ask for much really, a steady supply of tea, the occasional alcoholic beverage and my daily dose of Stargate. The tea and alcohol are thankfully still plentiful - but due to the collapse of ITV Digital my daily dose of Stargate has been stolen from me.

What's a boy supposed to do between 11.30 and 12.30 now?

Just call me Tom : Updated 9th May 2002

This stuff has been moved to the magical growing onions section.

Pictures of stuff

Obviously I've been using my time well :) - This picture will only mean anything to the people that used to live at the YMCA with me - steeley is the Image Fight god!!!

A few pictures taken on Emma's birthday

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